“Are you having doubts?”, Michelle asked me this morning on the way to the hospital.
“Not doubts, fears,” was my reply.

And that’s true. Not doubts, fears. At this point we have done all that we can, all that was in our hands to do, and we have to trust the professionals to do their part.

My fears are many at this point, but I try to keep them reasonable so that I can be fully present and able to help with everything. I’m afraid for Zoe’s life. Afraid that she will make it through, but with a neurological disability. Afraid of some unknown, unforeseeable outcome endangering our family’s ability to remain intact, stable, happy.

I would guess that these sorts of fears are normal and expected, but they seem no less overpowering at times, no matter how much I attempt to step back from them intellectually.

We’ve spent a lot of time drifting toward this day, the day we start conditioning, but it still doesn’t quite seem real somehow. Every day blurs together, and it never really stops being worrisome. We’ve established a new baseline for our anxiety, and that is our new reality.

One day it’s general fussiness and fears that something major is behind it, another it’s a bit of clamminess after a nap and anxiety that a fever is coming.

It never really stops, the days come one after the other and each brings a reminder that it’s not over until it’s over. Not over until she is cured.

Thankfully that day will come soon.

3 thoughts on “Fears

  1. I am sending love and prayers and lightness and everything good that I can think of — my thoughts and heart are with you all!!!!

  2. I want you all to know that we are thinking of you everyday. We know all to well the fears you have and it will be a while before those fears are calmed. As I sit and watch Maya sleeping I think exactly what you have been thinking. When is the fever going to strike? What is going to happen next? Zoe has two amazing parents that love her very much and are doing everything possible to keep her safe. Zoe and the both of you will come through this with your heads held high saying ” see we beat this.” Know you are in ours hearts. I will check everyday for an update. God is watching over Zoe just like he watches over Maya. Good luck and remember one moment at a time.

    Lots of Love & Prayers,
    Shana, Kris & Maya Gordon

  3. I know some of the fears that you are facing. You wonder if the treatments are going to work, it there any pain and if after going through all this will it make a difference. God will get you through this and give you the strength to endure what is to come. You are in great medical hands! We will be praying for you each day and praying that everyday will bring you closer to Zoe being well. Take a day at a time!! Love to you all,

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